Mario Kart 8 (2014)

Just played through the new tracks. Got to say, I'm disappointed.

These do not feel like Mario Kart 8 tracks (which is understandable, I guess, since they aren't). No anti-gravity, worse graphics and overall feeling of phoning it in. Shroom Ridge was fun to drive, though, and Ninja Hideout is detailed enough to be the most MK8-like of the new tracks but I can't say I really liked it on my first drive. The music is good, however.

In any case, I really hope they step up their game. This just brings the overall quality of MK8D down. It was such a perfect game and these feel like a stain on it.

Man, they got me good.

I was wrapping up an Animal Crossing session and noticed the download bar on the Mario Kart icon. Then it zipped through the download. I started up the game thinking there was no way it was ready (since I saw earlier that the DLC should be dropping at 7pm my time), and the two new cups are there and seemingly ready to play!

Alas, they can't be started up yet. Three and a half hours!

Okay, let's start with the positives. The positives are basically the whole game. There. There are your positives. This game looks gorgeous, plays beautifully, ably destroys your friendships, and has some of the best tracks in the entire series and maybe even in all of arcade racing (Mount Wario!). If not for a couple major flaws, it would be quite possibly the best Mario Kart game ever. And with the Deluxe Edition, it's on the Nintendo Switch, it's quite possibly my favorite gaming platform since the original Nintendo DS, and it's an absolute blast to play on it.

HOWEVER.

The original version of this game actively punished you for being in first place. Mario Kart has always limited the amount of items you get in first place, but this one goes an extra mile. In first place, the only items that you can get that you can possibly defend yourself with are the banana peel and (I believe) the very occasional green shell. But if you think that you'll get any of those ever, keep dreaming. Because there's one other power up that you'll get in first place. For the first time since Super Mario Kart, the Coin item makes its triumphant return.

And it's all you'll ever fucking get.

Yippee. Skippee.

Nintendo, I appreciate your willingness to give your best kart racers a high salary, but one extra coin and the world's wimpiest speed boost doesn't exactly do me much good when I'm getting pelted from behind with red shells because FOR SOME REASON SECOND PLACE GETS TO HAVE THREE REDS SOMETIMES.

With those two things combined, this game basically punishes players for driving really well and rewards players for getting the right power-ups. Good drivers will still be able to win frequently, but definitely not as frequently as they should. It holds up random chance over skill and brings everyone down to exactly the same level regardless of experience, and that's terrible for a multiplayer racing game, IMO.

The Deluxe version of this game retains this flaw. However, it does something even more baffling that furthers the ridiculously even playing field. Mario Kart 8 Deluxe adds three new optional features that are on by default:

1. Tilt controls, which are pretty whatever
2. Auto-accelerate, which means that you don't have to hold down the A-button in order to accelerate, which some people like but I think is dumb and for babies
3. Smart steering

Yes. Smart steering.

In Mario Kart.

Yes. It's exactly what you think it is.

About to hit a wall? BAM! AUTO-SWERVE! Now you're right back where you need to be! About to head into the grass? The game geeeeently guides you back onto the track! About to take that sick shortcut that you love? Whoa, there, cowboy! It looked like you were about to bump into something! We can't have that! Get back on the track!

This feature is hideous and stands in direction opposition to everything I believe in. Yes, okay, it's optional, but the fact that it's on by default is outright insulting. I don't need this! Why do you think that I need this? Why do you think that 98% of the people who play this game needs this?! This feature, especially when coupled with the other two optional features, leeches all of the skill and player expression out of the game and makes it into a game that you can play with your feet. I get that it's for kids, but kids should just learn to play Mario Kart properly instead of swerving off the track like dumbasses. Besides, it builds character. This garbage builds laziness. Laziness and subversive political agendas.

Either this version of the game was created by radical communists as some kind of recruitment tool... or Nintendo needs to stop being Nintendo.

My son absolutely loves watching Mario Kart. Asks for it all the time. As such, I've really gotten back into single player Mario Kart for the first time in a long time and I thought it was worth an update. I've now three starred every single cup through Mirror. I'm kind of scared to try and do 200cc. I'm also working through beating all the staff ghosts and am well over halfway.

My kart setup of choice? The airship with the Master Cycle wheels and Ludwig driving it. I'm pretty killer at it and it's underwater speed bonus is kind of a game changer on a lot of tracks.