Silent Hill 4: The Room (2004)

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I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write. I don’t know what to write. Writing about Silent Hill is supposed to come easy. It should feel so obvious about what I want to say about the Fourth game in the series. I should talk about how this is the end of my journey through the original four games right? I should talk about how Bloober Team and their Silent Hill 2 Remake actively made me pursue these original titles and how remakes shouldn’t replace originals but be welcome additions. I should talk about how this title really deserves to be treated with the same respect as the other three games made by Team SIlent. I want to talk about all of these things and more but I just can’t. I don’t know what to write. I finished this game around a week ago and have scrapped every review I have started for it. I’ve read one of my friend’s reviews and I think they nailed it. So why can’t I type?I feel frozen in this moment much like Henry Townshend feels frozen in his room for five whole days before the story begins.

Much like the isolating nature of room 302, I have felt a strange sense of isolation lately from the people I care about. I sometimes feel like I've made my way into places that I don't belong in and it feels like I'm not good enough to be there. Though unlike Henry, my isolation isn’t 100 percent being held in check by a maleficent force. It is mostly likely how I perceive myself within my own relationships. I feel like Henry when he screams to get out but unlike Eileen, my friends hear me and talk to me and acknowledge me. I just feel so far away. So distant like I am in my own otherworld but it is one made up of my own design. I hate this feeling of self imposed exile. Keeping myself at arms bay because I don’t want to be a bother or annoying or too much. I try to keep myself at arms length from newer people and I always have, even if I find myself wanting to talk to them and express myself. I just want these chains to stay on the door. Only interacting when I feel like I belong. Much like Henry in room 302 my door says don't go outside!

Sometimes I don’t like having ADHD, it feels like it impedes me so much when wanting to reach out and make friends. Sure I think I am semi confident and can make friends but the moments of doubt just never leave. Especially when I think I mess up. Right now there are several moments that replay in my mind where I feel like I have messed up or said something carelessly. I overthink and make sure to never make a crass remark or to be too emotional. I don’t want to make a mistake. Everytime I do I feel subconsciously reminded to never step outside of room 302. This is what happens. We crave connection, freedom and contact with each other. Through that contact and exchange we can end up hurt. Even if it isn’t intentional, these moments make me want to seek the comfort of my own room… Sometimes I just want to stay here for-

No! I can’t! I can’t stay here. I need to leave!

I am not going to stay here. I am not going to sit in my sorrow or the mental room 302 I have to be ready to be me. I need to speak to my friends and have fun and enjoy their company. I can’t let the ghosts of the past plague my mind. I can’t walk on eggshells with a fear of being hurt. I am going to grab a pick axe and… Break. Down. The. Wall.

Breaking Down the Wall

I love my friends, I love the interactions that I have had on this site. I have gotten to meet some people who I care for deeply regardless if that feeling is reciprocated. I like chatting about my interests. I love seeing different perspectives. These are all the things I want to hold with me as I keep leaving the room. I need to remind myself that it's okay. That I need to give myself some grace and break down the walls.

This review needed a switch up, much like how SIlent Hill 4 does. As I was writing the first part I was just reflecting on all of the things that make Silent Hill 4 great. Things like active pursuers, limited inventory and how the room operates in both halves of the game. This game has something that the series has not ever had before with a really good and sympathetic antagonist. I think the best place to start would be with Henry as I have been very cagey about him and how I relate to him.

To start, Henry is very passive and I think during my reflection of the game that was something that I really related to. I described this feeling of protecting myself and that is where I relate to his passiveness. I am a people pleaser and I like to not assert myself because it is easier to get along that way. Someone says something I don’t agree with? Just file it away and repress it. I want to change that. I want to make sure my will or presence is felt. I don’t want to be a jerk but I want to make sure I can express myself and who I am. Henry grows to be more expressive in the second half of the game and I should be able to grow and change into someone who is more expressive. It all comes together because Henry has a person to fight for. I have friends I want to fight for and be around.

It has been very sunny and warm here in the last couple of weeks and I decided to go for a small hike near the lake that I live near. Right now we just got covered back in snow but I remember the feeling of leaving and going for a hike and then grabbing lunch with my girlfriend. It felt freeing and it made me happy. As someone who is an introvert I really aligned with the gameplay set up of how the room operates in Silent Hill 4. I don’t want to particularly spoil it too much but the game really flips the script for what you might expect. It starts out feeling safe but much like the best parts of Silent Hill, it removes that safety from you. I personally loved realizing the change that had taken place before me. I thought it was a brilliant choice on the developers part to really change this formula. After all, you always have to come back to the room.

One of the other things that Silent Hill 4 does is give you a sympathetic antagonist. I don’t want to spoil everything about him but there is something that I want to touch on here. Children are the most vulnerable class of people we have and have been used as leverage politically for online safety acts which only makes this easier for predators and other bad actors to target them. While Walter was not targeted by any of these people online, he was adopted and had to go through what Wish House had deemed normal for him. It is unfortunate because there is a movement of people wanting to outlaw abortion nationally but once the child is born they don’t care what happens which would result in situations like Walter. I’m not sure if Team SIlent had this in mind as it seems like it is more about critiquing abuse at the hands of religious organizations but sometimes how we perceive art can change based on the times we live in.

When I finished this game I wasn’t sure if Silent Hill 4 was going to resonate with me on the same levels as the others. Sure the combat is different but kind of largely the same. There are other small things that I really like about the game as well but I really think people need to play it to see why it absolutely is a part of the core Silent Hill experience. Sitting in my room is nice but I know I don't want to stay there. Thankfully I know in my heart of hearts that the feelings of isolation I put on myself are by my own design. I have been lucky enough to have a comfortable enough upbringing to avoid some of the issues that Walter. I know that I have good friends even if I want to crawl back into my own room. I can't. Play Silent Hill 4 because it is really one of the best Silent Hill games.

Considering the mixed responses I’d seen for this game, I very nearly skipped it. But it’s actually pretty damn good.

Yes the combat, backtracking and item management all could use a polish. Thankfully, playing on an emulator gave me the ability to minimise the tedium through save states and fast-forward. I would seriously recommend playing the game this way (just don’t let yourself become reliant on save states over the original saving system - you want to preserve the tension!)

Honestly if there’s any entry in the series that seems ripe for a modernised remake, I would think it’s this one. There is so much potential and creativity here that would absolutely shine with more satisfying gameplay mechanics overall.

This game is actually insufferable. I don't understand why it gets the glazing that it does. It forces the modern controls on you, whilst remaining a fixed camera, there are no interesting puzzles, no interesting characters, the second half is Henry going through the same worlds but this time with the interesting twist of an ending-deciding ball-and-chain, a fucking stalking character, your apartment doesn't heal you anymore, the environments are just empty and boring, and a long fucking etc.

The story is okay? and the atmosphere is unrivaled (I loved the first half, for the record) but once you save Eileen and you have to go through the same four worlds it all goes to absolute fucking shit. It's soooo dreadfully fucking booooooooooooring. Couldn't finish it. Don't want to watch it on YouTube either. I'm just sour on it, badly. It is totally unfathomable to me how people can claim this is their favorite. I really wish I could understand on any level whatsoever what makes this game more compelling than 3 (the weakest of the trilogy imo, even though its an excellent game and this... is not)

I love the story, it's beautifully told and molded into the game design. Walter is a great character and we get to explore deeper and deeper into his psyche. The room 302 is one of the best experiences I've ever had, between discovering what's going on inside/outside of it and the hauntings, it's really captivating. The ghosts are some of the most anxiety inducing enemies in the series, and the other monsters have really creepy designs with a different style from the previous games (Masahiro Ito didn't work on this one). The last "dungeon" of the game has a very moving atmosphere, sometimes gloomy or calm and melancholic. The game also rewards your attention as some of the dialogue is more important than it seems, and some items become useful after you get them.

I found the back and forth between the outside world and the room to be fine because it forces you to discover what happens inside of it. The backtracking to already visited areas in the second half of the game is also fine because of how it plays into the story.

What bothers me is the fact that this game is too janky. The controls suck and at times some actions are impossible to do. Eileen's AI is infuriating and makes no sense. Sadly, Walter also loses all of his charisma once he actually chases you. He usually laughs, tries to hit you once or twice, and runs around even when there's no other enemy in the room. The rare times he was actually dangerous in my playthrough had me scared for my life, and with all the build up to the point he starts attacking you, his story and motivations, he could have been terrifying, but the AI is as stupid as Eileen's (maybe he's more aggressive in the hardest mode ?).

Still one of my favourite games, I love it and just like all of the first four games its environments, designs, graphics, game mechanics and storytelling are insane, but I can't not mention all the flaws that hurt the immersion and overall experience

=================== SILENT HILL 4: THE ROOM ===================

HEAVY PLOT SPOILERS AHEAD

Played on PCSX2

Either the last of the great Silent Hill games or the first of its downfall, SIlent Hill 4: The Room, at its best points is a strikingly unique horror experience, and at its worst a slog with missteps in both plot direction and gameplay feel. My total verdict lies somewhere in the middle, but summed up briefly I'd describe the game as interesting and unique, while falling short of expectations. Their rejection of Silent Hill conventions does take the series in a bold new direction, especially in regards to Silent Hill 3's similarities to past games, but it's not without its faults. I would recommend this game to fans of Survival Horror, and fans of the series, but not necessarily to the average person.

Booting up Silent Hill 4: The Room results in the intro sequence. The intro is excellent, creating a truly intriguing and tense atmosphere to start the game off, with excellent sound as usual and visuals that got me very invested to play the game. Then we come to the main menu, and this is the best menu the Silent Hill series has had by far. You dwell on the iconic image of the game, the locked door of Room 302, while The Last Mariachi plays, a haunting song with an ambient drone and a low fidelity guitar playing a somber song. Hearing this, I feel alone. If nothing else, closing my eyes and envisioning the emotion of this song will stick with me. And then, we press play.

The game itself begins with a particularly slow burn for a Silent Hill game, a slow exploration of your apartment as you examine various objects around your room, and Henry reflects on his situation, clueing you in on how he has been stuck in his room for a number of days. I'm a fan of this segment, it's a bit too slow due to the clunky controls (a huge issue in this game in general), but overall I think it is a strong segment. As the game progresses and you enter the subway world you run into Cynthia and a prevailing issue the game has comes to light.

Silent Hill up to this point has always had issues with combat, but it was solid enough to where I don't believe it detracts from the game. It is very possible to adjust to tank controls, and in my view Silent Hill 1 has excellent difficulty throughout on hard. I restarted my first save from Hard to Normal because of how bad the combat feels initially. Despite the game having a mix of fixed and scrolling camera angles, Silent Hill 4 has implemented analog controls, with extreme weightiness around readying your weapon and swinging. Over time I began to accustom to this combat system, and by the time I got upgrades for my weapon, I got so good at it that I barely used pistol ammo. That said, it strongly takes away from the games feel, and clunky movement takes away from the players want to explore.

There are sections where SH4 will truly grab you, I was very invested in the game during the Water Prison section, and I really enjoyed the flow of the game at this point and the prison puzzle. I enjoyed exploring the new areas, was extremely motivated to figure out puzzles and not get stuck, and looked forward to apartment sections as much as otherworld sections. As the player, we see the people we try to help die in front of us or even in our arms, and the player is left to wonder what is going on, why does Walter Sullivan want this, and how is Henry Townshend connected to any of this? Around this time I had mental notes about how Henry mentioned disliking his childhood and having issues in his adolescence. I recall that in Prison World we see clothes extremely similar to Henry's current outfit (Dress Shirt and Slacks?), and I was getting pretty confident that Henry was related to Walter in some way either symbolically or spiritually.

Hospital World is when my feelings begin to change. After witnessing the near death of Eileen, a character the player is likely somewhat attached to due to seeing her interactions and concern for Henry from within Room 302, we wake up in our room again, and must dive into the Hospital World. We find Eileen alive, and while I knew this before hand, we are granted the ability to lug Eileen around for the rest of the game. The rest of Silent Hill 4 is at least partially an escort quest, she rarely has to leave your side outside of encounters with Eileen's deadliest enemy (ladders). This isn't the worst escort quest I've ever played, but Eileen's presence is not a good thing for gameplay.

Escorting Eileen and keeping her relatively unharmed is necessary for the best ending of the game, and surely was the "intended" way of playing by the game. This translates to a variety of changes in your gameplay style that you will have to adopt. The player must directly attack more enemies head on in order to prevent her from taking too much damage, which isn't a huge annoyance outside of encounters with Eileen's second deadliest foe, stairs. Eileen with or without a weapon (this controls if she will look for a fight against enemies) is completely incapable of dodging enemies on stairs, leading to a lot of tedium of fighting the game's controls to wipe the entire room of enemies. A much more annoying issue is Eileen's faulty pathfinding, making Henry have to wait several seconds for Eileen to catch up in larger rooms to prevent leaving her behind. This is easily the most annoying part of the game, and because of this I stopped taking as much care examining the environment during the return to the previous worlds. During the very tail end of the game I ended up using a walkthrough the few times I did get stuck just to make the game go by faster.

Missed potential is the name of the game of SIlent Hill 4, in my view they attempt many unique and subversive techniques of creating horror that could only be done in the medium of video games, but the feelings of tension or fear were entirely lost on me after the halfway point (Barring that victim 21 haunting, that was stellar). That said, I have a lot of respect for SH4 for its efforts if not its results. The concept of having a set space that the player associates with safety, and then making that place of safety hostile is absolutely genius, and very effective when done well. It resonates with a number of players, but not myself unfortunately.

Silent Hill 2 is an exploration of the psyche of James Sunderland, while Silent Hill 1 and 3 have elements of exploring the psyche of Heather/Cheryl Mason (notable in enemy/set piece design, these reflect the fears and experiences of Alessa/Cherly/Heather) Silent Hill 4 subverts this trope, and instead the game's set pieces/enemies represent the experiences of Walter Sullivan, who is the pivotal (but not protagonist) character of Silent Hill 4. It's effective at this, and his Otherworlds and enemies feel like they reflect his character as detailed through the notes, but I failed to find him a compelling character. His backstory is pretty generic and his motivations aren't particularly earthshattering, and Silent Hill itself has already tread similar ground twice by now.

Henry Townshend (The Receiver of Wisdom fits well) isn't particularly characterized in this game, designed to be this distant, introverted man who barely speaks or interacts with other people. He has no mention of friends or family, and outside of a mention of an "unsentimental childhood" and an apparent hobby/occupation of photography, he's pretty lacking in development. Some praise this decision, and I can see at least some of their reasoning. Within room 302 you assume the role of this kind of introvert, looking at life going on outside from inside a "safe place". You can gaze out the window at pedestrians and residents of a nearby apartment, you can use your front door's peep hole to see Eileen or Frank Sunderland remark on your disappearance, or you can peep at the adjacent room where Eileen is going about her daily tasks and getting ready for a party. It's not unreasonable to state that Henry lives his life through other people, and he is forced to take real action (saving Eileen) when his safe place (Room 302) goes from a prison (a safe but unfulfilling existence) to something actively harmful. This is a nice interpretation, but due to Henry not being the focal point of this story, I don't find it nearly as compelling as it could be, and most of this didn't come into view until reading media after my playthrough. This could be a more compelling narrative, perhaps we see Henry being forced to leave his safe place, and potentially get different endings depending on how he treated his safe place (in the vein of Silent Hill 2), but it can't be expounded upon when the focal point is Walter Sullivan. I like Henry's concepts, but I can only appreciate what he represents outside of the game itself.

I've noticed that the first few Silent Hill's, and games inspired by them, have this separation between what is going on at the surface and what goes on underneath. Silent Hill 1 has surface level elements about the cult but deeper elements that explore Cheryl/Alessa's psychological trauma and experiences. Silent Hill 2 is much more focused on James' psyche so there's more background radiation that there's weird shit going on in the town, but the deeper levels are what everything means to James, the sexualization of female enemies, etc. SH3 is similar to SH1 but Heather is more developed so we get to see her experiences both as Heather and as Cheryl/Alessa take form in her living nightmare, but the A plot is mostly about how they are trying to use Heather for more culty crap.

Silent Hill 4 has this in a weird way, it feels like there's background elements of symbolism involving Henry, how nothing expands upon his backstory, how he's nearly a side character narratively in his own game, but all of the A plot stuff is talking about Walter, so he is really the reason behind the specific set pieces/enemy designs/etc. For a man living his life through other people, Henry being a background character in his own story could be fitting, but I didn't feel that way while playing this. I was just kinda bored by him.

tl;dr Extremely interesting concepts bogged down by gameplay issues and what feels like a lack of focus on a point, yet a unique experience worth a shot for fans of the genres. I may return in the future to play the game on hard when I've forgotten puzzle solutions.

Notes:

GameFaq Page This is worth a read, and I read their breakdowns of SH1-3 when I played them originally. Good crowd based analysis of symbolism in this game and the SH series.

[YT Video] Hearing this perspective on the game and Henry made me warm up to the character, and since I generally agree with their line of logic I accept their explanations for symbolism in my review.

Didn't think I'd be writing that, but Silent Hill 4 is my favorite SH since the 2nd one.

What won me over is how unique and lightly experimental it is compared to the previous ones. The concept of Henry locked in an ever-changing apartment fascinates me. It messes with your sense of safety, because if the protagonist isn't safe in his own house, anything else can happen. This makes SH4 one of the most disturbing and intriguing out of the 4, even if it's not the scariest.

I also prefer the focus on melee combat instead of puzzle solving. It does take away the dreadful sense of exploration that the others have, but it makes up for being its own consistent thing. And with it, comes a touch up in the combat sytem. I mean, it's still not perfect and, quite frankly, dated, but it's the best one. Even the camera works a little better. Pack that up with great visuals and some disgusting enemy designs and you have a very creepy challenge ahead of you.

The story is also great!

Definitely not better than 2 and might not be as horrifying as 1, but I love how the mystery slowly unfolds. The pacing feels just right, characters are memorable, there's an eerie sound to the voice acting, the main villain is good and the pay off felt satisfying, in most of the 4 endings you can get. The tone set by your interactions inside the room and the frightening things happening outside of it helps a lot in building up tension and curiosity.

The only thing I did not enjoy so much was Henry, but you get used to him.

And I won't even take too much time talking about how The Room handles sound. I've said it before in past reviews and I'll just say it again: Akira Yamaoka is a god! If it wasn't for him, I don't think Silent Hill would've been as memorable as it is and this is not different in this game. Again, the best one since 2.

I do have to point out a few things that I definitely agree in relation to this game's negative criticism. And that's the 2nd half of it.

I was not happy when I figured out that a lot of things changed when Eileen comes into play. As I played, I figured out that it isn't horrible to deal with her, but depending on the type of player you are, she can ruin your journey, because she is an unquestionable nuisance. Protecting her can be challenging even on easy, especially when you enter rooms filled with ghosts. I don't understand why the devs turned the game into a giant escort mission.

The 2nd half aso brings hauntings into Henry's room. And while I did find the concept very engaging, it got old soon and some of them can be very frustating if you do not correctly manage your items.

There's also the fact that the inventory just sucks. It is unapologetically bad. Some items are useless, the way it handles ammo and guns makes no sense, you can't discard items and it encourages mindless backtracking, which can totally break immersion. And the level design just doesn't help, since it's mostly linear, with some rooms FILLED with enemies. And this is coming from someone who actually prefers linear games.

I really don't understand why the devs made such weird decisions about how the final half of the game would roll. But while it could have ruined the experience for me, it just didn't. I could not dislike Silent Hill 4. In fact, it became my 2nd favorite out of the ones that I played.

If you have a chance, play Silent Hill 4. Especially if you're a horror fan. This is a very unique game, with a wicked mystery and some very off-putting imagery that, while definitely not perfect, shines in its strange design.

When I was a little girl, I played Silent Hill 2.

My aunt worked for Microsoft, and as a result, got an original XBOX for free, and along with it one of the big titles of the moment, Silent Hill 2. Silent Hill 2 is commonly listed as one of the greatest games of all time, not even just in the horror genre, and is cited constantly as hugely influential, not just on other horror games or gaming in general, but as a whole. And, for a change, it's acclaim is actually deserved. Everything from the atmosphere to the sound design (which I guess counts as atmosphere on some level), to the combat to the excellent plot to the then and even now honestly very nice visuals makes the whole experience exactly that, a whole experience, and a worthwhile one to boot.

Sure, the original Silent Hill has its place in history too, but the franchise honestly is one of those rare examples - much like Shrek or The Lego Movie - where the sequel actually usurps and eclipses the product that preceeded it, thus leaving the original as more of a footnote than a starting point. This is a fairly uncommon thing, as you're no doubt aware if you pay attention to pop culture whatsoever, as sequels are usually run of the mill cash grabs succeeding primarily on the audiences enjoyment with the previous installment enough to trust another to be just as good. That isn't to say every sequel is bad either, but while it happens quite rarely in film, it's exceptionally rare in video games.

Halo 2 is a great example of a sequel that far exceeds expectations, as is Gears Of War 2, and while Bioshock Infinite isn't the first immediate sequel - and while some may argue it's not even a good one at that, which I highly disagree with but that's not the discussion for this review - it's arguably on par with the original Bioshock, if not a smidge better simply because of the advancements it made upon the original. Is the setting of Columbia more iconic than Rapture? That's debatable. I personally don't think so. But the overall game itself, as a whole certainly shines in places where the original, phenomenal as it is, doesn't. So it's a good slate of games Silent Hill 2 is in company with, honestly, except we're not here to talk about Silent Hill 2. That's been done to death, at this point. Between gaming journalists and Youtube video essayists who primarily work as gaming historians, Silent Hill 2 has been discussed enough.

But I had to use it as a reference point to make what comes next make sense. Context is generally needed for any of my reviews, but especially so in this case. So then, that brings us to Silent Hill 4. No, I didn't play 3, so don't even ask. And I'm also not going into the history of the game, as that's also been covered to death and has no bearing on this piece.

So while Silent Hill 2 was an excellent experience, a memorable experience, it isn't the one I remember most. Nor is it the one I like the most. Surprisingly, that crown goes to Homecoming. I have my reasons, don't bother asking. Silent Hill 4 is the one I remember most, but probably not for the reasons you think. Silent Hill 4 is typically considered one of the worst games ever - for completely justifiable and understandable reasons - and it only makes sense that the awful shit is the shit that is memorable. The "so bad it's good" technique. But that's not why I remember it. I remember it because, outside of the ghosts constantly trying to kill you in the game, I lived Silent Hill 4.

My mother hurt her back when she was young.

For a long time afterwards, she took pain medication for it, and for a good while it was no big deal. But eventually the feeling of suffocation within her marriage to my stepfather created a pill problem, and soon she was taking them often, and having almost dissociative episodes, walking around the house, claiming things seemed out of place, and - because I was her daughter - constantly forcing her way into my bedroom. I mentioned this already in my Space Invaders review, but it's fertile ground, so it's to be mined ad nauseam for my work. Trauma has its advantages when it comes to creativity, I suppose. Sometimes she'd simply come into the room and hover over me while I did whatever I was doing, sometimes she'd come in and sit down and look around at my belongings and try to speak to me, and sometimes she would come in and sit at the end of my bed while I slept. These were the worst. Because of her constant barrage of unwanted companionship, and my stepfathers absolute refusal to do anything other than tell me to ignore the problem (that's how married people dealt with stuff in the suburbs for a long time, to be fair) I reached a single decision: I would simply trap myself in my room.

Silent Hill 4, for the uninitiated, is a game in which a man literally is trapped in his apartment. He wakes up, and there are a slew of chains and locks strapped across his front door, and the only way out is through a strange looking hole in the wall in the bathroom. No, that's not a euphemism either. I mean a literal hole that one can crawl through to, apparently, an alternate dimension of sorts filled with ghosts and trains and...ghost trains? Describing the plot of Silent Hill 4 is actually harder than playing Silent Hill 4, because it is goddamned nonsensical and a complete and utter incomprehensible literary nightmare. So yes, much like Bo Burnham so elegantly recently said, "Well well, look who's inside again, went out to look for a reason to hide again." I feel like I've spent a good majority of my life simply hiding from the world, because the world has been unrelentingly cruel to me for no particular reason near as I can figure. But like a ghost wanting to hurt me, my mother haunted the hallways of my childhood home, and I was stuck inside.

I'd move entire pieces of furniture in front of my bedroom door. I created a pantry inside of my closet. I devoured media because it was the only companionship I had and it asked nothing of me in return. I was the protagonist of Silent Hill 4, constantly looking over my shoulder for the nearest seemingly innocent thing that meant to do me harm in one way or another, and not just at home, but in life in general. School was accompanied with a cruelty just as awful if not moreso, so even that wasn't an escape from the harsh reality of, well, reality. Like the protagonist of Silent Hill 4, I was stuck in a single room, with something trying to get at me. It was an extremely lonely experience, and one that's left scars I'm still struggling to heal from.

But playing Silent Hill 4 was - well, let's not be too adoring here, it was like wiping a whale's asshole with a wetnap - a somewhat surprisingly cathartic experience, especially because, like the protagonist in the game, I myself often escaped to the bathroom.

My room wasn't off limits to my parents. If I locked my door they yelled at me, and they'd come in whenever they saw fit. Privacy was a joke. But a bathroom is designed to be private, so that's where I'd often escape to when I had the chance. The bathroom across the hall from my imprisonment became my sanctuary. I had a drawer all to myself that I stuffed with goodies, candy, snacks, soda, books and game boy games, and I would sit in the bathroom for hours into the night, pretending to be sick, when she got this way. It was, one could say, my save point, because it literally saved my life. Having to endure what I endured, even without her pain medication addiction, was horrendous, but the bathroom was this beacon, this holy grail of safety, and there I could finally feel free.

Playing Silent Hill 4 ironically enough made me feel not so trapped.

The bathroom and my bedroom to this day remain my safe havens. My save points. I know to most people their bedroom likely signifies this feeling, but it's so much deeper for me. Sure, I didn't fight off monsters with crappy pistols and sure I didn't try and survive a nightmare train maze, but I did solve one puzzle, and that puzzle was figuring out how to continue surviving in a world that so clearly didn't want me to.

Now, instead of cowering in a room with a padded off doorway, I can be stronger than Henry Townshend, and open that door, and walk through to something new. Something worth seeing. Something that was worth all the effort of surviving what put me in the room to begin with.

Sure, sometimes there's still a lot of fog that rolls in, and monsters to avoid, and past traumas to recover from...

...but at least I'm out of that goddamned room.

Hey. My name is Maggie. I'm a writer and artist. If you liked this piece, tip me here, support me on Patreon or buy a book!