Fair warning that there’s nothing even approaching an original thought in this review; this game has been retrospected to death in the years since its release and I am about to beat some long-dead horses.
I never finished this when it came out—I got about half way through and then just drifted off it. Not due to the game being bad, but it was just a time of my life where I wasn’t playing games as much. Coming back to it nearly 15 years later has been interesting.
What works
Even by 2022 standards this is still an impressively realised city. While it lacks the large, exploration-encouraging open areas of the San Andreas-es that both preceded and followed it, there is a density to the world that does not feel outdated today.
I found myself far less interested in going off the beaten path to drive around purely for fun (largely because there isn’t much “off the beaten path” to speak of), but I regularly marvelled at the amount of work this must have taken to build.
It can also look fantastic; sure that “painterly” LOD effect turns the entire middle distance onwards into a smeary mess, but when you’re driving across a bridge at night in the rain, skyscrapers lit up in the distance and headlights reflecting off the road, it’s really something to behold. I distinctly remember finding that view across the river breathtaking in 2008, and it’s still impressive today.
The story is solid (at least for the front half, more on that below), and Niko Bellic is an interesting character with a lot more self-awareness than previous GTA protagonists have had. Motion capture and character performance in general was also a massive step up from previous entries in a way that appears far more than a single generational leap. The controls and shooting fare the same, this being the first GTA game to control like what we would now consider a modern third-person game.
What doesn’t work
(Sorry horses).
While this game can look fantastic, it usually doesn’t. Why did they make it so grey!? The colour filters are so egregious in this game that skin tones frequently look like low-budget zombie makeup. When it rains, the game effectively goes greyscale. This by itself betrays the year this game was released, right at the peak of “everything must be grey and brown because grey and brown is realistic”. I hear they did address this in The Ballad of Gay Tony, which I haven’t yet played but do intend to (assuming it works on the Series X back compat.).
I will never understand what on earth they were thinking with the social missions. “Cousin, want to go bowling?” is the overarching meme of this game, so I won’t dwell on this too long, but I find it very strange that no-one at Rockstar stopped to consider that it isn’t any fun. Random interruptions to do dull mini-games, offering nothing worth having if you agree, but characters get pissy at you and send you passive aggressive texts if you say no? Rockstar plz.
The controls are hugely improved over the PS2-era entries, but it’s not all good. The Euphoria engine makes for very realistic looking character movement, with the caveat that actually playing the game on foot feels like you’re on a satellite delay. Niko lurches around like he’s filled with ballast water and the most frequent cause of death (at least for me) was getting stuck in cover or against a wall while an NPC shoots me directly in the face.
As for driving: it gets a lot of hate in this one, but I think it’s okay. The “lower bound” of performance for the shittier cars is far too low, in a way that makes certain vehicles actively miserable to drive, but you get used to the model and it can be quite satisfying. Bikes can get in the sea though—I avoided them completely apart from when the game forced me onto one.
While the story starts off interesting, I found it became quite dull and muddled by the end. I was just doing hit jobs for four different mafia dudes, which in a gangster flick might be a thrilling tale of complex webs of betrayal, but here they’re all sort of generic and indistinguishable. Earlier setups like the United Liberty Paper promise intrigue but don’t really pay off with anything interesting.
I think the decision to have two endings did a disservice to the story, because both of them feel a bit tacked on. Also, because I largely ignored the social missions, I had almost no attachment to Kate and so her murder at the wedding just came off as hilariously tonally inept.
This last point doesn’t really fit anywhere else, but it’s something I regularly found so baffling throughout the game that I need to mention it. Rockstar went to the effort of recording multiple takes of a huge number of non-cutscene conversations in the game, so that if you fail the mission and need to replay it you aren’t listening to the same conversations over and over. Why didn’t they just add checkpoints? The only time I was ever frustrated by failing a mission in this game is knowing that I would need to repeat five minutes of driving to where anything interesting happens. Instead of recording multiple pieces of dialogue, why not just...not make me repeat the boring driving part?
Conclusion
This game got me thinking a lot about what I want from GTA 6. I did complete V, but haven’t played it since about 2014, so my memory of the ways it improved on IV is hazy. However, I think for 6 to succeed it desperately needs more variety in missions. From what I remember, V made some good progress on this with its longer, multi-part heist missions. 6 will need more like that, because I don’t think a long string of “drive to place, shoot some guys” broken up by the occasional “chase a guy and kill him” or “chase a guy but you can’t kill him until he gets to a place with more dudes” is going to cut it for future entries.
Also fun lil’ one: this game was pre-financial crisis, and one of the parody radio ads for awful products offers a credit card with a 27% interest rate 🥲