WARNING: This "review" discusses an extremely sensitive subjects, specifically in regards to self inflicted death.

I don't know how to say this so I guess I'll just be blunt and say it outright; when I was 11 years old I tried to hang myself. Obviously, and depending on who you ask unfortunately as well, it didn't work. That wasn't the first time I tried, as I would go on to try repeatedly throughout my life. Look, if you've read my reviews - if one can even call them that - then you know I'm a troubled lady. I don't need to rehash time and time again for you how awful my life has been, how awful it continues to be, except The Longing seems to understand something no other piece of media has ever been able to understand...

...that the darkness becomes a companion, and that you eventually welcome the inevitable end no matter how long it takes to get there.

Much like the Shade in the game, I too find myself stuck underground (I live in a basement) making art and reading books to pass the time. I patiently, maddeningly, await a future that I am not even sure will come, or that I want to face if it does. The Longing is quite literally my day to day life in video game format. On one hand, you'd think this would make me dislike the game, because it would hit too close to home. But you'd be surprised how much nicer I find it to wallow in a different underground hellhole than the one I live in. Turns out that a change of scenery really can help, who'd have thunk.

There isn't much to the game. In fact, even calling it a game is almost unfair. It's a time wasting simulator. The game runs even if you're not in it, because it's happening in real time, much like the Animal Crossing titles. So even if you take 20 days off playing it, your Shade has spent 20 real days sitting in that chair waiting for you to come back and give him something to do to pass his time. Makes you feel oddly guilty, really. Like he's a child you're ignoring for your own selfish benefits. Otherwise you can explore the caverns, draw some pictures, and hell, you can even read the entirety of Moby Dick (something I'm, ironically enough, was already doing in real life before starting this game). After 400 days have passed, your "king" will awaken, your time will be up, and you might see the world and the sun above you.

But there's no guarantee, I suppose, especially if you can't make it through the time it takes to get there.

Oh sure, it'd be a picnic to download the game, start it, play an hour or so, and then just reopen it in 399 days to see what happens. And I guarantee a lot of people have done that, and frankly, there's nothing inherently wrong with that decision. I'm not here to deride you for how you play games. I'm just here to tell you why I plan on playing all 400 hours of it, or at least as much as I can while sparing time for work and sleep. The thing most people might not understand about suicide is that after you've attempted it, and perhaps this is a person by person basis, you then spend the rest of your life too afraid to try again (especially after repeatedly failing), and too miserable to enjoy whatever life may have to offer. Again, person by person basis I'm sure, but this is what it's been like for me.

So where does that leave someone like me?

Passing the time. Waiting for the inevitable end of your life to come about naturally, or by accident, and that means doing everything you can to pass the time until then, whether you enjoy it or not. Everything that I do, even if I enjoy it like my art or media, I do for the sake of simply extending my lifespan because I've been there at the edge, and I want to go back, but I can't do it myself. So instead I long for the day that finally arrives when it comes without my help. Except that's too depressing, isn't it? Let's perhaps look at this in a more positive light.

Because for as sad and sick and alone as I am, I also can't help but feel like perhaps the longing that I so ache for is instead not death, but release, and not release from life, but release from being stuck. Shade often talks about wanting to see the sun overhead, and the world outside the caverns, but the King might get angry if he tries to leave. This feels extremely reminiscent to most relationships I've had in my life - particularly that with my mother - in which I wanted to run and she wanted to keep me codependent and struggling. So maybe The Longing proper is the longing to be free to make things better, not the longing to be free of existing at all. I'm trying to be a more life affirming gal these days, though it's extremely hard given how bad my life is. But I'm trying. And that says something, right?

So I will play The Longing and escape into the same existence by with a different viewpoint. And maybe come the end of those 400 days I won't want to die. Maybe, like The Shade himself, I too might find a way out of these caverns I am trapped in, literally and psychologically.

But I think I'd be kidding myself if I didn't at least admit that as much as I am a hermit, as much as I appreciate things company more than peoples company, I can't really do this alone. I need your help.Whether that help is simply supporting what I say here, talking to me on a semi regular basis to keep me in check or whatever form it takes...I need it. I can be alone. I don't have problems with that. The Shade might, but I certainly don't. But I also want all of your input. I don't want to try and kill myself yet again, nor do I want faux positive platitudes about how "strong" I am for having made it this far. All I want is what anyone wants. To be treated like somebody who didn't try to do what I did.

I can't run from it. I admit I tried. I acknowledge I tried repeatedly. But The Longing has reminded me that where there is solace in silence, there is comfort in kindness. And I could sure use some kindness right now.

I know it's a lot to ask of a gaming community, especially one where we only barely know one another outside snarky quips and half baked write ups, but I'm asking anyway.

Please be my friend.

Please continue to help me fight the darkness.

Because I want the longing I feel to be that of wanting to live. Not that of wanting living to end.

My name is Maggie. I'm an artist/author. I make a lot of stuff. If you liked this review, you can support me over at Patreon, buy my books at Payhip or tip me over at Kofi.