I sadomasochistically binged this RPG on a whim after seeing it at Gamestop for less than three dollars. And I can say without a shadow of a doubt that this is the video game equivalent of a B-movie.

Let's start with the characters, because boy howdy is it rough. The protagonist, Atsuma, has a strange power in his arm he's searching for answers too. This coupled with the fact he has a brain the size of a pea means a lot of repeated dialogue and reiterations of plot points. There's a cowgirl character with a gun, a stoic knight, and a crazy shrew princess. Even Atsuma's best friend and rival is reduced to a plot point, despite being the only character who doesn't need things repeated ad nauseam.

There is also the matter of Makoto, whose status as a very blatant homosexual is a case of humor, ridicule, and strangely enough competency. This character is beyond campy, he wields a saxophone and shrieks in the English dub. Somehow, despite this, he routinely remains the most level-headed and normal of all the cast. I found myself only relating to him, and his status as the best character is all the more sad when you take into account he is a gross caricature for gay men.

Everything about this story is bland and basic. It uses ridiculous anime tropes and RPG archetypes to trapeze you through a relatively uninteresting world that amounts to "what nation of the world is this area based on." You'll travel from Weird Future Yokohama to Weirdly Industrial Era London City, making sure to stop at Literally named Kyoto City. Every area follows the same formula: reach destination, talk to all residents, discover a dark past from a party member, resolve past, keep it moving to the next area.

The environments are largely empty, save for a few centerpieces in each area which are lovingly crafted down to the lighting. When the game does find success, you're frequently reminded that this is a launch title for the 360, failing to reach heights that games released even a few months later did. Visual effects are usually good and flashy, using summoning circles around almost anything for extra oomph. The soundtrack leaves you wanting more, as the orchestral nature of the music fails to swell or have much emotion.

You'll be spending most of the game swearing as you're jettisoned from random encounter to random encounter. Having no overworld enemies feels dated, and the encounter rate is frustratingly high. There is a fast forward combat option that allows the CPU to make highly accurate moves as fast as possible, and you might consider using it, especially to backtrack in the largely linear world. Though if a game plays itself, why bother playing it?

The combat is abysmal. You and your party occupy a 4x3 grid, as do the enemies. Different skills and attacks need to be used from different positions. Each creature and character have things they are intended to be good at, whether that's supporting your team, using long range attacks, or smashing up close. Combat varies wildly from impossible to easy breezy, with no inbetween. The difference two levels can make in your success is laughable. And for the most part, all your problems won't be solved with levels. They're solved with cash.

There's a creature catching mechanic where you collect the automatons that you fight for most of the game. Generally they're not great, and rarely is it worth using them when they take up the slots a main character should be using. Named characters have better stats and moves than most golems at equivalent levels, mostly because leveling golems doesn't give them new skills. This leads to golems being phased out very quickly, a fact I was really sad about after I got the one with a pizza for a head.

There are two things that make golems worth using, and one is their designs. All sorts of inspired shapes and aesthetics can occupy your party, from straw effigies to pheonixes to round and plasticy bulldogs. Part of the joy of the game is gallivanting from one area to the next, grabbing every single enemy you can and curating which ones match you best.

The second is a terrible mechanic known as Vitality Points (VP). VP is drained from golems or characters when used in battle, until they eventually become so tired they cannot fight. VP is restored at save points, which are pretty frequent, though not enough to use only three characters. This leads to grinding with sub-optimal parties in order to keep enough VP for vital moments when story fights happen, or when you discover a secret boss down a hidden hallway.

The game is, in general, not difficult in any manner. All puzzles with be fully explained to you in depth, even when the answer is beyond obvious. The combat doesn't require much grinding as long as you continue fighting random encounters. Your health and mana are restored after every battle, so the only number to watch is your Vitality Points. For an even easier time, try going to the casino in London City, where you can play bingo and win in an hour guaranteed every time. This lets you steamroll money requirements as you inject liquid cash as steroids into your golems to keep them relevant.

I have such a fondness for this game despite it all, and it feels like Stockholm syndrome. Nothing epitomizes a bad RPG quite like Enchanted Arms, to the point where it seems like satire. And all 30 hours of the romp was made fun by roasting the game as it was played. I originally had this listed as one star, but the ease of playing coupled with the golem designs definitely made it worth my three dollars (and an extra star).