Clubhouse Games: 51 Worldwide Classics (2020)

Review 26/51

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Speed

Speed is one of those games that perhaps cannot be accurately digitally recreated because the fun of the game is in the visceral, immediate, physical action of the game. It IS fun to desperately grip the corner of a four of hearts as quickly as possible. It ISN'T fun to click A to pick up a card. It IS fun to slam down that four of hearts while spittle involuntarily fires through your gritted teeth onto your opponent's sleeve. It ISN'T fun to toggle the control stick to choose which of the piles to play on. It IS fun to stare laser holes through your opponents skull while reloading your hand. In Clubhouse Games, there isn't even the opportunity to reload your hand. The game does it for you.

Without the physical swiping that makes Speed Speed, we're left with a boring button pushing stimulus response exercise. Speed made cards a contact sport. Digitizing it regresses Speed into something akin to accounting or fish canning. It's just call and response.

I actually thought up a way where you could accurately replicate Speed if each player had four joy-cons, one to simulate each of the cards in your hands. You could put the four controllers in front of you and pick them up and swing them when you wanted to play that joy con's card. However, like, why? Because we technically can? No, if we're going through this much work to replicate Speed, you might as well just take out some Bicycle playing cards and just play Speed.

Maybe your opponent and you will try to play a card at the same time. Maybe your hands will touch and your sightlines will connect. Maybe your finger lingers on theirs just a moment longer than expected, and now Speed is over, and you two are full on kissing like high school kids at an alcohol party! Maybe 10 years later you exchange vows with that person and 15 years later you welcome your first child into this world who is named something like Speedy or Ace or something. Maybe 45 years later you are buried next to your Speed opponent/lifetime lover/baby mama daddy of your children. Maybe you have the four of hearts on your tombstone.

That's what can happen when you play real Speed. But like the best thing that can happen when you play Speed in Clubhouse Games is you have an okay time.

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 4/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 1/5

I haven't had much time for gaming this month, since I've been trying to focus on some new year's goals... I think this year I just won't be playing as many video games.

I did pick up the 51 Clubhouse Games collection though for the Switch, and messing around there for a bit when I need a breather. Here's my game rankings:

Board games

Great: Mancala, Yacht Dice, Backgammon, Chess, Shogi

Okay: Four in a Row, Hex, Checkers, Dominoes, Chinese Checkers

Lame: Dots and Boxes, Gomoku, Ludo, Renegade, Mini Shogi

Brain Teasers

Decent: Hit and Blow, Nine Men's Morris

Meh: Hare and Hounds, Sliding Puzzle

Card Games

Great: Hanafuda, Blackjack, President, Sevens

Okay: Last Card, Texas Hold'em, Speed, Matching, Mahjong Solitaire, Klondike Solitaire, Spider Solitaire

Lame: War, Takoyaki, Pig's Tail

I Will Probably Die Before I Learn: Riichi Mahjong

Miscellaneous Games

Great: Billiards, Darts, Carrom, Air Hockey, Slot Cars

Okay: Golf, Bowling, Toy Tennis, Toy Soccer, Toy Curling

Lame: Toy Boxing, Toy Baseball, Fishing, Battle Tanks, Team Tanks, Shooting, 6-Ball Puzzle, Piano

So... 14 great, 21 okay-ish, and 16 lame? (And 1 that's probably good, but I'm going to need a few months of practice to properly get the hang of?)

Review 25/51

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Sevens

Sevens is the game your childless uncle plays with you while your parents see a divorce lawyer.

Sevens isn't terrible- it's nothing. It's less than Solitaire. There is no sense of accomplishment and strategy is slim to nonexistent. You just wait until your card is usable and then use it. If you can't use a card, you pass. That's the game. The game ends with a shrug whether you come in first or last, followed by a reluctant "want to play again?", and then followed, finally, by a less reluctant "no."

Sevens is killing time. Nothing more. Nothing less.

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 4/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 1/5

Review 24/51

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President

In November of 2016, Hillary Clinton was surging in most every major poll. CBS News, ABC News, and the Washington Post had Clinton ahead by four points. Monmouth University showed Clinton leading Trump by an enormous six points. Bloomberg was less optimistic about Clinton but still had her beating Trump by three points. All signs seemed to point to a Clinton presidency.

But here I am in 2020 writing a review of a recreation of a card game in a minigame. But I'm not doing so underneath a Hillary Rodham Clinton presidency. I'm doing so underneath a Donald John Trump* presidency.

While Trump being president reflects issues with the American electoral system as he lost the popular vote, the surprise still reflects the surprise of an underdog victory in the card game President. President (the game) tempts you to play big because coming first in a round comes with all the perks. Not only does coming first in a round benefit you, it also hurts the person in last. If you are victorious in a round, you get to give your two worst cards to last place AND take their two best cards. The game creates this gap between first and last that seems insurmountable. Crossing that gap- going from worst to first is one of the best feelings in a card game. The exhilaration of David beating Goliath.

There are lots of nice little complexities to the game too. Eights clear the table. Jokers can work as a duplicate and a high card. Three is sometimes the high card. The entire card order can flip if the circumstances are right... All these added rules at a glance make the game more confusing, but actually they make learning the game's core mechanic all the more valuable- deducing what cards your opponent has. Deduction is half card counting and half facial expression reading. And knowing exactly which cards they have in their hand allows you to know exactly which card to play. But the uncertainty of their hand and the speed at which the game can turn on you make every play a burst of excitement.

I live in America. The US Presidency is a nightmare. But President the card game? It is one of the most enjoyable and surprising card games in this collection. Check it out.

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 2/5
• Photo Bomb Family: Y
• Final Score: 5/5

*Hey, thanks for coming to the footnotes or as I like to call them- "the Marvel post credits scene of words"! As a treat, I'll tell you who I'm voting for: The Green Party! Well, that's all you get down here. I tried to get JK Simmons to show up, but getting an Academy Award winner to pop up in a minigame review is expensive.

Review 23/51

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Texas Hold'em (Standard Poker)

Poker is one of my favorite games. If you ever come to visit Chicago and you want to meet up, just tell me you want to play Poker. I'll make some time for you.* But we'll play real deal Poker and not the busted version in Clubhouse Games.

Most of the issues I have with the Clubhouse version of Poker stem from the same busted betting system and limited turns that I outlined in my Blackjack review. But the betting is such a mess, that you lose one of any game player's favorite options- going all in. Making a brash, impactful, possibly foolhardy decision is what games are all about. It is a shame that Clubhouse Games does not let you push in your virtual chips, cross your virtual arms, and dare your virtual opponents to call your bluff.

If you want a good virtual Poker game, Telltale's Poker Night at the Inventory 1+2 are pretty fun for a one player experience. But really if you want to play with multiple people, just have some buddies over. As long as you have a deck of cards or two, some cheap snacks, and some scotch if you drink- that's about as good as Poker gets. No Switch required.

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 2/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 3/5

*I'll make some time to hustle you out of 20 bucks.

Review 22/51

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Blackjack

Blackjack in Clubhouse Games has lost its bite. The currency that Blackjack (and Texas Hold'em for that matter) uses is valueless. It is only used within this one game and is reset when the game is done. If the currency could be used to unlock new sets of cards or some other extra, I could see playing cautiously. But there is no reason! Even if you lose all your funny money, you can bet into the negative. Betting normally drives people to play a bit more cautiously, a bit more strategically. The bets here serve almost no purpose and the points feel a bit like Whose Line is it Anyway?

Also, the game just ends after five hands. You can't outplay your opponents. You don't get to knock your enemy out and go toe to toe with the dealer. There are no big comebacks. There will be no stories from your time with Clubhouse's Blackjack. Just anecdotes.

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 3/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 2/5

Review 21/51

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Last Card (Uno)

Uno is the game you play with your alt right cousin and neo liberal slacktivist aunt at Thanksgiving because it beats talking.

Uno is a rough game to recreate digitally because the big appeal is taken away. The game is pretty minimal as far as strategy is concerned. Attack when your neighbor is running low on cards. Try to utilize redundant cards first to allow yourself a variety of options later. Hold onto your wild cards for when you need them.

The game is simple enough that you can teach it to a child in a minute. And the child will love it because you get to yell "UNO!" That's why adults like it too! Uno is a game that allows you to embrace your braggart. It also allows you to almost immediately get served your comeuppance. It's loud and dumb which definitely has its place in tabletop games! It just doesn't convert with a digital game. Clicking a button to shout "Last Card" has none of the crunch or pleasure of letting the spittle jump off your lip as you exclaim your nearness to victory. It instead feels like an extra step.

"Last Card" isn't without joy. It is just pale compared to real blaring Uno. You'd sooner ask at the Thanksgiving table who people are gunna vote for than ask if they want to play "Last Card".

• Recreate-ability: 4/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 4/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 1/5

Review 20/51

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Riichi Mahjong

Riichi is a downright intimidating game. I could fill this review with lush descriptions of its complexities that I am still failing to entirely grasp. I won't do that. I don't want you to be afraid of Mahjong. I want you to dive into it. Clubhouse makes the game digestible with little tutorial levels, always available explanations of hands (including recommendations for the hands you can play), and prompts when your calls become available.

A lot of that last sentence may seem like gibberish even without utilizing Riichi's rich terminology specific to its play. The thing to understand though is all that complexity is necessary. Riichi is a game built not to be played over a twenty minute period of time, but over an entire lifetime. I know that is a cliche thing to say. It reeks of Bushnell's Law- "Easy to learn, hard to master." But Riichi isn't easy to learn. It doesn't want fair weather fans. It wants faithful congregants. It demands devotees because it knows it has earned it. Riichi is difficult to learn, but even harder to put down. I'm gunna play another round as soon as I'm done writing this review!

Before writing this review, I wondered if Riichi Mahjong was going to prevent me from finishing my project to write a review for all 51 games. I was concerned it was going to be so insurmountable that I would need to exit Grouvee out of shame. Now I am concerned it will ruin my ability to finish these reviews for another reason. I don't know when I'm going to get around to my next review because all I want to play right now is Mahjong!

• Recreate-ability: 1/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 2/5
• Photo Bomb Family: Y
• Final Score: 5/5

Review 19/51

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Hanafuda

I learned how to play Poker relatively late compared to my friends. I started in college while a lot of my friends started in Jr. High School betting a buck or two. I was an amateur... playing with seasoned contenders... while drinking every beer handed to me*... for money. I also have a very expressive face so I was double screwed. My hand and the table were unfamiliar to me. I was out of my depth. I was just extra money in the pot.

One day I showed up with my phone open to a Poker cheat sheet. It told me whether two pair beat three of a kind and stuff like that. My opponents jumped on the opportunity to mock me. Poker is a psychological game so I frankly didn't blame them. But I put my blinders up and shut out the noise. I would play knowledgeably and I would win! I collected my money that night victoriously while one of my rivals chastised me. "Maybe leave the strategy guide at home next time," he jeered. "I won." I smiled. " Maybe next time you should bring one."

Learning Hanafuda as a 30 year old offers the same feeling of inexperience and confusion as learning Poker as a 21 year old. If anything, Hanafuda is more complex with more moving parts. In Hanafuda, you must keep track of the cards in your hands, the cards on the table, the cards you've claimed, and the cards your opponent has claimed. Also the cards in your hands match up with the cards on the table in a different way than your claimed cards match up. Also you must keep track of the points you and your opponent have earned so far in the game. Also- I could keep going.

If you think all this sounds overwhelming, it can be! Open up the included instructions Clubhouse offers. Your eyes will soon make the connections your brain previously couldn't comprehend.

I really love how it never feels like you are out of a hand. If you get the fateful card flip you've been waiting for, you can snatch victory with a pair while in the palm of defeat. And sometimes you get cocky and call Koi Koi and watch your opponent steal your victory with gosh dang chaff... you'll probably just shake your head and smile. I'll know better next time.

One last note of admiration: The cards are stunning. I was a Club Nintendo member for years and had the opportunity to pick up the Nintendo themed Hanafuda cards. I am kicking myself for not getting these. They are a gorgeous collector item, but also just a dang good set of playing cards.

• Recreate-ability: 1/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 2/5
• Photo Bomb Family: Y
• Final Score: 5/5

Review 18/51

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Mini Shogi

I decided to limit my words since this is Mini Shogi. I wrote 435 words about Shogi, so I figured I'd write a fourth of that for a game that is a little more than a fourth the size (81 spaces vs 25 spaces). Mini Shogi loses the vast complexity of Shogi for a game that is quicker to pick up and quicker to play. It makes for a lower bar of entry (good!), but it loses some of its depth which drives playing again and again. Everything said and done, you get a game that is about as enjoyable in a bite size package.

Screw Flanders. Screw Flanders.

• Recreate-ability: 3/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 0/5
• Photo Bomb Family: N
• Final Score: 4/5

Review 17/51

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Shogi

On the popular Youtube show "Binging with Babish", host Andrew Rea has what he calls the Clean Plate Club. After he makes the dish for the show, he takes a bite or two to describe the eating experience. If the dish is real tasty, he'll finish it off and "clean" the plate. It wasn't his goal to eat a whole meal, but he ended up doing so because the food was that good.

I am starting my equivalent. Shogi is an entrant into the Photo Bomb Family. Photo bombing being the popular practice of ruining someone's photo in a hopefully fun way. Before writing my reviews of these games, I take some screen grabs so you get the additional visual context. Sometimes a game is just too dang fun, and I forget to take the pictures. I just end up playing the whole game instead. They end up becoming members of the Photo Bomb Family. Shogi is definitely a member of the PBF.*

Shogi is super Chess. Your pieces reach the other side of the board and gain super abilities. Your pieces can die and come back to life. Unlike Chess, when pieces come face to face, they almost always fights (in Chess, more than half the pieces do not fight the piece directly in front of them). A lot of pieces can't turn around (some at all and a lot not easily) which makes every move riskier. It feels a bit more aggressive- a bit more angry. If Chess is like Rock and Roll, then Shogi is like Metal or Noise Rock.

My one big gripe is my own level of knowledge. Oftentimes I will try to get people to play Chess with me, but people feel it has a high bar of entry. Shogi's bar of entry is much higher. Not only are there more pieces, but there is a secondary version to most pieces. There are specific rules as to how you can bring some pieces back to life. I end up playing with Nintendo's assist mode on so I can see exactly who can attack who.

I'm sure given enough time, I will know exactly how every piece operates. I can imagine a world where I am born in Japan, play Shogi at Summer Camp as a pre-teen, and switch my review scores between the two games. For now, the one point difference comes down to preference. Regardless, Shogi gets a huge recommendation from me to any PvP strategy fans out there. I advise putting on some Deerhoof while playing to get you in the right mood.

• Recreate-ability: 2/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 0/5
• Photo Bomb Family: Y
• Final Score: 4/5

*Immediately after writing this review, I went back and added this category to my previous reviews. feel free to go back and check!

Review 16/51

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Chess

When I was 12, I went to a Christian summer camp called Camp Awana for two weeks. We found out one of the first days there that we would have a guest speaker who was a Chess Grandmaster. Not only would he come speak to us about his faith, he was also willing to play a game of Chess with some of us. I hadn't played Chess before, but I was immediately intrigued. A friend of mine offered to teach me before the Grandmaster arrived. So each day before he got to camp, my friend and I would sit in the cafeteria playing Chess. After I understood the game, he and I would bet an ice cream cookie sandwich we'd buy with our canteen money on who would win. After a camp counselor heard we were gambling, the whole camp was taught to be good stewards of our money. We were no longer allowed to bet on Chess. Still the daily Chess matches continued. They were just over bragging rights.

Toward the end of camp, the Grandmaster arrived. I don't really remember his talk. I know he talked about some painting where the devil was playing chess, but that's all I can remember from his message. However, I vividly remember playing chess with him. I waited in line for over an hour. In my head, I truly believed I could beat a man who was once arguably the greatest in the world. I got to the front of the line and sat down to play him. He was paternal and kind with graying hair. He attempted to start up a friendly conversation with me and I responded "You're going down, old man!" His demeanor turned stern in that moment. He no longer was playing. He decided to destroy me. Rather than checkmating me, he took all my pieces, leaving me with just a king before it was all over. He mentioned something about humility to me as I sheepishly got up as the game was over.

Those memories are the only ones I still have from that summer camp. I remember going home and thinking it was two of the best weeks of my life. Here I am, 18 years later. That summer camp was great. I learned how to play Chess. I hilariously lost to a Grandmaster. I ate a bunch of ice cream cookie sandwiches with my bud. Those may be my only memories of camp, but they are good ones.

Chess is a perfect game, and every opportunity to engage with it is a pleasure. If you haven't played it before, Clubhouse is a great entry point. Not only does it have an assist mode, but it is also full helpful tips. The computer is fairly easy on all difficulty settings so you don't have to be worried about getting demolished. Plus there is an undo option so you can take back your amateur mistakes (even if you've been playing for years like me).

Clubhouse's version of Chess is about as nice as a digital version of the game gets. The only thing missing is the ice cream cookie sandwiches.

• Recreate-ability: 2/5
• Chance-O-Meter: 0/5
• Photo Bomb Family: Y
• Final Score: 5/5