I hope you all will forgive and indulge me a long write up and a bunch of personal asides to talk through my feelings about this game. I've been thinking about this game for years now and before I get to it in my game music write ups, I wanted to leave my thoughts. This kind of turned into a narrative about my mental health struggles, but I think I'd like to leave it how it is for now.
Undertale came around in a weird part of my life, and impacted me in a way I'm not sure it would have if I found it at some other time. It flew under my radar until one weekend in July 2017, bored at home and flipping through Youtube, I figured I'd see what the hype was about and clicked on a play through. I was impressed, more so because all I really knew was the game was popular and getting hype but lots of people were calling it cringey and hating on it. I watched only part way into the Snowdin section, but what I found were interesting characters, emotional impact, fantastic music, interesting play mechanics, and funny jokes.
This was nice to find, because around this same time my life wasn't going so great. Thanks to the house we were renting, I was surrounded by some of my worst phobias, an awful landlord, and just nonstop bad stuff happening. My depression was getting worse and worse, and yet-to-be diagnosed OCD was kicking into high gear.
When the game was announced for consoles, I instantly pre-ordered. On the day it came out, I played through the Ruins section and for some reason, I cried. Reaching Toriel's and being confronted by her loving warmth, the sweet, unforgettable guitar tune Home, and the sadness that ensued fighting her and leaving, affected me in a way I had rarely been before. I do not have a good relationship with my parents, and here was a parent who had an opportunity to make right, who saw Frisk and in them saw a chance to realize her dreams of being a good mother, a friend, and a teacher. To share books and pie with. And this compounded with how awful my life was going just made me cry for my my past and the stuff I didn't/won't have. Frisk walked away to find a way out, leaving Toriel with an empty house full of broken dreams, and a hug to send them on their way. It really got to me, and I put the game down and didn't touch it again for a long time.
In the next couple months, things reached an impasse. I was too sad and tired to get out of bed in the morning. I couldn't sleep. My OCD was wrecking every aspect of my life. I stopped eating. I lost sixty pounds. I was wasn't functional at work, when I even made it there. Everything caused me to panic and feel like I was going to puke or pass out. I felt like I had no one to reach out to, I was all alone and my loneliness made things that much worse. I sure as hell didn't want to burden anyone with any of it. I wanted to die. I couldn't see a way forward with things going how they were, and it was only getting worse. I felt terrible and I was lashing out. This had to end.
A few days later, the usual disastrous morning went by, my partner had to leave to teach a class, and would come back to pick me up if I could get my shit together. When they showed up, I was sitting on the sofa, shaking and crying because I couldn't take it anymore. I'm not sure what would have happened next if they hadn't. Luckily, we were finally able to talk it out. I said what I was terrified to say, that I probably had these conditions and I needed help. I couldn't go on living like this. We made an appointment for me to see my doctor. Thankfully they could get me in the next day.
The doctor visit resulted in some tentative diagnoses and a prescription. I actually felt hopeful for the first time in who knows how long. Yay! Right? Coincidentally, that night I thought I'd do a little gaming and booted up Undertale again. I met Sans the skeleton and his brother Papyrus. I laughed! Before bed, I took my pills, and went to sleep.
A couple hours later I woke up with the worst pain I ever felt in my life. My skin was searing, it literally felt like I was on fire. My head was throbbing. I tried to keep sleeping but I just couldn't. It was awful. Morning came and I had to get ready for work. I was spiraling, I thought I was having a heart attack and asked my partner to get clothes for me and get ready to call 911. Luckily, I did not having a heart attack. It turns out I had a really rare side effect from the pills and a full blown panic attack. I calmed down, but suffice it to say I didn't make it to work that day.
I'll skip over most of the next period in time - I was out of work for three months to work on therapy and recovery. I started seeing a therapist, the medicine was making me feel awful but I kept taking it hoping it would eventually make me better. I finally got hooked up with a psychiatrist and and got on meds that helped more than they hurt. After a few months, I felt mostly "better." It's been a struggle in the years since, but that was largely the end of that chapter.
My now ex was around, but I was struggling with being lonely. Mental illness takes a lot from us, and it took away any desire I had to go out and socialize, so as time went on and friends moved away, I didn't reach out and I was left more and more alone. I don't really have any friends out here. I was alone at home everyday for months. Back to the topic at hand, I honestly often thought of Toriel and her isolation, and Frisk's lonely journey, and it made me depressed. I figured I could have some fun with games but I couldn't deal with Undertale because I didn't want to confront that loneliness more.
Time went by and we moved to a mercifully much better housing situation and things continued to improve. I was in a much better state of mind. So! A year or so after starting, I picked up Undertale again.
That's the context for where I was when Undertale came into my life. It was a little more normal going forward, and I picked up the game again, but little things about it here and there really grabbed me. I thought a lot about the interconnectivity of people, my loneliness, what it all means in "the universe." I listened to the OST a lot, and thought about how it all relates to the absolutely masterful way Toby Fox wrote the score, which can almost be entirely distilled into just a few different themes and leitmotifs, brilliantly chopped and screwed and rearranged in different ways to make you hear them in a new light, or with a new relation to a different person, or how it is when people come into or leave your life.
The comic relief of the Snowdin section was s a really welcome segment. Fox's pacing is phenomenal. The culminating date battle is comedy high art as far as I'm concerned. How adorable are the two gaybro soldiers in Hotland? And Alphys & Undine? The dates in the game are universally fun.
And the music, MAN is the music so so SO good. We heard the old kingdom ruins, the old guard, but moving forward, it transforms into the weight of the people in Waterfall. Undyne fiercely protecting her king and people. The still solitude of Quiet Water. It's just incredible.
So, the game, lol... Graphics are ok, a means to an end and I think they're fine. Exploration is your typical RPG fare. Battles are unique and fun mini bullet hells, obviously varying in difficulty across the game, but also incorporating different ideas throughout. Each boss comes with their own gimmick, whether it's deflecting Undine's attacks, shooting at Metaton and dealing with the song rewinding and trying to keep ratings up, spider dance, and so on. The only ones I found really difficult were Asgore and, obviously, Sans. I tried the last one for about a week, gave up, and didn't come back to it for almost another year. It took me a few days, but one night I just settled in and did it. I literally stood up and yelled when Sans starts throwing you around the box automatically, and you know you're done. Never again.
Getting to the end of the game, the normal ending is fine. I've done a genocide run, which is decidedly not fun. I get that people think the message of the game is preachy but a) I don't agree and b) I think the message is much more than "violence=bad." Best exemplified in the pacifist route, the game is about acceptance. Differences. Friendship. Family. Grief. Hope. Loss. Loneliness.
The way each character deals with their loneliness. Chara hated people and ran away. They might have intended to kill themself by falling into Mt. Ebott. Instead they found a family who loved them, which they ultimately destroyed. Toriel's self imposed exile at the grief of losing her children, her disgust at her husband, and her desire to stop more senseless violence. Asgore losing his family and his anger at the humans. Alphys' worry over her misdeeds and fear of rejection. Frisk's own fall into the mountain. These are all damaged, lonely people (and monsters). Yet over the course of the game, they unite/reunite and become what each other was missing. It's very moving.
The saddest person to me in the whole affair is, and sorry for the big spoiler wall, Asriel. He is wittingly killed by his adoptive brother, forced into a failed experiment, and doomed to live alone as a feeling-less, nihilistic freaking flower. When Asriel finally absorbs all the souls of the monsters and you best him in battle, the ending just breaks me every time. "I'm doing this because I care about you Chara! I care about you more than anybody else! I’m not ready for this to end. I’m not ready for you to leave. I’m not ready to say goodbye to someone like you again…" And then the game gives you the chance to forgive him, and comfort him after this nightmare experience. And when Frisk hugs Asriel, reader, I sobbed. I had to take a break. And then cry some more through the ending, enhanced even more, again, by the music in "Reunited." Redemption through love and an end to loneliness is my favorite theme in Undertale. And it's all the more impactful with the bittersweet way Asriel/Flowey winds up.
I could list every moment and easter egg in the game that really hit me in some way, whether it be funny or shocking or sad, but we'd be here all night. So I'll stop babbling and just say, Undertale is a once in a lifetime game, and it helped me get through some tough spots and offered a means of catharsis through profound loneliness and sadness. It's fun and it has something to say. Thanks for reading my rambling whatever-this-was. :)