I really don't like this game.
I have almost nothing good to say about it. The best thing about this entire, awful slog is the relief I felt when the end credits finally, blissfully began to roll.
And let's just get this out of the way first - I don't think "it's old tho" is a worthwhile defense of this game. (Though, to be fair, this game has aged terribly. Like, the exact opposite of how wine ages). There are tons of games from 2007 that are still actually fun and worthwhile to play, such as: Halo 3, Mass Effect, Crysis, Bioshock, Portal, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare, The Witcher - I can really go on and on. The point is, age isn't the reason why I dislike this game so much, since there are plenty of games from the same year that it was released that I still genuinely enjoy. (Also, looking through the list of games released in 2007 - holy shit. Basically, of all the popular or influential or important games released in 2007, Uncharted is probably the worst. Funny, that).
The first point I want to make is that the story is bad. Yes, I know that the story is the reason why this game is so beloved, but I just don't think it's good. The only halfway clever thing that this story does is having Sully be saved by Drake's diary (which stops a bullet), which is still 1. exceedingly silly, and 2. right out of screenwriting 101. It's also the closest the game gets to a genuine moment of pathos, but that's really not saying much. Another moment of drama they try to build up is when Elena has to choose between saving her camera and saving herself, which might work if her character was at all well-developed or had a meaningful emotional connection to Nate at that point or if we had any sort of meaningful context to whatever show she's trying to film with Nathan Drake other than that she's, y'know, filming it, but it comes off as - well, duh, Elena, save yourself. Maybe she didn't insure her her fancy-lookin' camera? Who knows?
For the most part, though, this game is like an unfun National Treasure (I wouldn't even dare compare these games to the Indiana Jones films, because Steven Spielberg is one of the great storytellers of our time and Naughty Dog, y'know, aren't). The bulk of the plot of the game involves finding one weird, obscure clue, which Nathan Drake draws the most ludicrous conclusions from so that he can find the next weird, obscure clue.
Oh yeah, there are a couple of boring antagonists, and it turns out the more ethnic one is the really bad guy. Good job, guys.
And, there are quips. Nathan Drake quips and smarms a lot. Super fun, that. I honestly like Nolan North, but he wasn't really working with much here.
AND the game throws zombie Spaniards at you, as if you hadn't already been dealing with a bunch of weird, dumb bullshit.
The game also insists on slowing down the narrative to a grinding halt to do a bunch of boring shit, like shoot people or jump around or solve "puzzles," which I write in quotation marks because they mostly involve hitting a few switches and whatnot.
The gunplay is, honestly, really fucking boring, and it's made even worse by enemies spawning out of nowhere in order to pad out the game length, because the game would be, like, five hours otherwise and at that point it'd feel like Naughty Dog was just making fun of us all.
Also, during climbing the section, the camera oh-so-subtly swings about and points you exactly where you need to go, while also somehow making it impossible to judge distances. This means that, unfortunately, you might accidentally fall off of platforms and die and respawn in some ungodly location, making you play the game for even longer, which certainly isn't something that I wanted.
Uh, what else? The game looks fine and the art direction is solid in some sections, though there's a whole level where you're slogging through some awful, greyed out structure and, after a while, you will get sick of the jungle, I promise. But, c'mon, this game came out the same year as fucking Bioshock. Are we really going to excuse Uncharted for looking only okay for most of its runtime?
The jet ski segment is somehow even worse than everyone says it is. It's kind of amazing how thoroughly they managed to fuck up what could've been a really fun and memorable section by making the controls just terrible.
And, let's be real, none of the Uncharted games have good final boss fights (besides Lost Legacy, the best game in the series), but this one is especially awful. You have to move between breakable cover, avoid the insta-kill shotgun and all the other bad guys shooting at you for the chance to maybe pop up and shoot the big bad guy. I honestly wanted to just quit by this point, because I knew my life wouldn't be improved by seeing the final cutscene and then skipping through the credits (I was right), but I guess pride or something kept me going. I'm a fool.
Honestly, I had this game at two stars before writing this review, but I'm dropping it down to one. This game is a goddamn nightmare. Looking back at it, it's a miracle that anyone even bought a PS3 at all when you could be playing Mass Effect and Halo 3 and everything else on your XBOX 360. Thank fucking Christ that Sony has pulled itself together.
It's really a miracle that Uncharted 2 isn't, y'know, completely awful.
(Also, I just wanted to say that I played the remastered PS4 version of the game - I just wanted to review them all individually since my opinion varies so wildly between them all).