Review grubmaiden 4/5 · Mar 25, 2026
Reminiscing & Grieving Neverwinter & D&D Groups
I have a vast and expansive number of things I picked up far after it was in vogue to experience them. I'm just the sort of person to want to dig into the old, the retro, see for myself what experienced game designers and roleplayers spent their time in. Before I had direction of what I should look to for …
I have a vast and expansive number of things I picked up far after it was in vogue to experience them. I'm just the sort of person to want to dig into the old, the retro, see for myself what experienced game designers and roleplayers spent their time in. Before I had direction of what I should look to for inspiration, before I had developed my tastes, I was interested in approaching the 'classics' like one would books. Surely people tell you to play old games because they have some significant importance in the artform, right? Unlike books, it's less actually driven by master works, but more nostalgia and personal attachment. It's not mature enough of a medium to really have the same kind of appraisal of classic works yet. Even so, Neverwinter Nights did happen to end up being crucial in the lineage of CRPGs anyways, but now I'm also one of those people who can only speak of it and only replay it because of a sentimental attachment and not because I feel so strongly about it.
It's really not all that different from Baldur's Gate when it comes down to it. I'm sure a lot of fans of both Baldur's Gate and Neverwinter Nights may take offense to that. But purely speaking of the base game, it is the same sort of fantasy pastiche one could expect. Everything feels so swelling and epic and people speak in this sort of pulp talk. Things never go so deep, relationships don't necessarily matter and neither does your disposition all that much. All of the actual role-playing you do is flavor simply for your own personal satisfaction, in a world that's far more catered to a particular idea of what fantasy should be. Fantasy with a capital F. High fantasy with a capital H. There are many proper nouns. All kinds of wild and fantastical characters far off from our own reality. Their problems seem so novel. A magical disease caused by a big eyeball fart monster, who spread it in the "beggar's quarter". It's all so silly and on the nose. And while I have such a low tolerance for it when Owlcat and Larian do it, I couldn't help but just smile and roll my eyes here, because something has been keeping me.
Writing and flavor silliness aside, the game delivers with the gameplay. Rudimentary by today's standards. Low poly in a way nobody finds chic. No more beautiful pre-rendered backgrounds. It's time for ambitious, and ugly fully 3D environments. The systems are all here. A great translation of D&D complete with multiple hotbars, with infinite granular customization of skills and multiple classes. Three different camera options. Real-time and pause gameplay. Traps, sneaking, engagement, flanking, sneak, attack of opportunity rules. It is more of what I'd wanted out of Baldur's Gate. To make it even better, it had all of the tools for people to host online servers, effectively making it a proper and extensive D&D MMO. I didn't play it online, I'd gotten into it far too late for that. But I heard stories, albeit mostly gross ones. I guess you could say Everquest did this kind of thing before Neverwinter Nights, maybe even other games before that. But this one had the right feel for a D&D style game and with the online as a cherry on top. It never felt like an MMO, really. It is a D&D game with online functionalities.
Around the time I was getting into this game, I was in college and had been close friends with someone in a college in the same building as mine. We'd spend a lot of time together on smoke breaks talking about media, comics, art, movies, games, and most of all, we would talk about roleplaying. He was older than me and had first got me into Vampire: The Masquerade, which I'd played a fairly long and ambitious campaign with him. We were both just sort of weird maladjusted and edgy vampires looking to express ourselves in a creative outlet that didn't feel like work. For a college where I was learning games, it sure really made me fucking resent games and resent art at several points, really making me want to throw it all away at several points. But the connections I made with him, it carried me through it. He was like a brother to me.
After some time, we got together with even more friends and put together a D&D group. I'd played it in passing when I was little, but while I was at the time so into all of these TTRPGs and CRPGs, it sort of felt like magic, the way I could take what limited ways I'd hope to express myself in a game like Neverwinter Nights and bring it out into an actual group with other people. Pour my creativity into something, with a bunch of new friends. First few characters I made weren't so inspirational or original obviously, but we all had a blast working through these strange campaigns. Pledged one to a fae spider goddess. (a funny foreshadowing to my weird spider thing and fae thing) Made another nature loving firbolg serve Ma'at, another really funny omen for me. I felt amazing with these people, the safest I'd ever felt with friends in my life, getting to expand upon all of our creative ideas together and just have a fun game with a lot of goofiness, and i meant more to me than these RPGs ever did at that point.
In turn, the sentimentality and connection, the purpose and inspiration of those video games and how they impact our lives became this undeniable truth to me. It gave me a healthier foundation and love for games, for design, for art, and for the sense of community and collaboration inherent to it. Retroactively, all of what I read in Rules of Play began to click. In my earlier classes, works and theories of design and psychology, systems and play. What it serves and what it ought to be designed around for, vaguely alluded to in such a dry book. It's like the book was a fixture to frame a whole different set of ideas that were invisible to me, completely clear at that point. Play and creativity and limitations and rules and creating a suspension of disbelief and narrative and story, suddenly did not feel like dry or contrived elements necessary to engage in art as labor necessarily, but as this nebulous sort of magic. And so then, I knew I was a game artist at my core. A designer, a creative, a writer. Not simply because it's what I can do better than any other type of labor. But because it all finally slipped into place.
A lot of people went to my college and didn't know how long they were going to make it, eventually dropping out. Some particularly pessimistic folk would try and guess how long they would last. I met my fair share of people who weren't cut out for graduation and tried to be nice and encouraging. And I knew a lot of people had other financial and life problems to prevent them from graduating too. I had my own road bump down the line later on myself. But there were some people who never necessarily 'got it' in the way I felt I got it. And it wasn't just D&D to help me reach this point either. It was a great deal of really absorbing the lessons and reconsidering my relationship with art on top of all of this experience with friends starting with CRPGs and leading into TTRPGs. It is a difficult, arduous process to really reflect and learn and change in many of these crucial ways to adapt yourself to become the kind of artists we were learning to be. Grueling and miserable and at times dispassionate, it's what we knew, what we felt. You needed a little bit of the fire with you through the most mind numbing and horrid moments and had to really have something driving you to the finish line and prevent you from becoming a burnt out drone.
There were a lot of other things I was battling with at the time. Some things not appropriate enough to be talking about on a site like here, really. But to put things short, I was not yet transitioned but deeply feeling as if life was not worth living because of it. I hated the way I felt about myself, I hated my body, I feared my relationship would end. By then, I was with my (current same gf) for so long, years, and wondered if she wouldn't really understand it. But she sort of knew, and was supportive of it the whole way through. And making friends with so many creatives, I learned many of the irrational edgy and hateful beliefs I'd held, the spaces I'd spent time in, were not good for me. I had to let it go, and it was the only way I could get on with this new group of people who were embracing a new friendship with me. It was the only way I could cut out a path of loving myself and living my own truth.
So back to that friend group, and my best friend of the time. We'd got along for some time, done a few campaigns, and I'd even been introduced to one of my favorite settings, Demon: The Descent. My friend wanted to run a one shot inspired by Planet of the Apes 2, and it was here I experimented with my first RPG character who was a woman. And as fucked up and bleak as that one shot is, it really felt amazing. All of those friends were really welcoming of it, and of seeing more of the me I wanted to be. Made accommodations for me, really made me feel at home. It really felt amazing. I was really starting to come out of my shell. Just one last demon I couldn't overcome. I was living in an abusive home. I was ashamed. I didn't want anyone to know, and I didn't really think telling my family I was trans would make my situation any better. But one day, it burst out in anger and self defense. Because I knew what I wanted, and I didn't want more of this fear hanging over me. And so, surprisingly, I was embraced by my family too. It wasn't the first time one of us came out, thankfully for me. So it wasn't so bad.
Even though that was fine, I was still in an abusive home. I took a break from college to sort my life out. I wanted to start transitioning, my life was in flux. I was scared of what my colleagues would think and say about me. Many of them just saw trans people as a topic to sexualize and debate for fun. I was close to graduating at the time and got cold feet too. I had become so passionate as a game artist that something shocking happened. I realized that a real game artist who truly loves what they do shouldn't have to put up with the kind of education experience I was, and should not look forward to the sort of future I was. There were times where my best friend wanted to watch a movie with me, came to my house, put it on. And while we watched, I was chugging through work. 60 hours of combined school and homework a week. I was in a crisis and at a serious crossroads not knowing where to take myself. So I went a bit insular.
I had always been one to miss a few games now and again. The depression would hurt too bad, or the schoolwork, or insomnia, I had a serious problem with that. I had a lot of problems. I also didn't want to sleep over because of a deep sense of terror at people witness me having nightmares and saying something about what I was experiencing at home. And with the difficulty of transition, I think my friends understood, but just didn't get all of the details. The abuse was my secret. Everyone else in the group had troubles too. People in their lives trying to hurt and get revenge on them, money struggles, and my best friend even felt lost with his career in the same way as me.
He wanted to do something noble with a criminology degree. He was aware of the problems of the world, with how bad capitalism and state violence is. Left leaning and pretty much a reasonable guy but unconvinced by my anarchist beliefs. Unsure of why I had such problems with authority, but sure enough he got why I hated crapitalism. I at times would try to dissuade him from certain beliefs. One of the most contentious was his conclusions of the Milgram Experiments and Stanford Prison Experiments, which I found to be erroneous in what they said of other people and faulty in how they were conducted. Still, he tried to understand me. But he drifted, had to focus more on a girlfriend, who would at times be part of our games. She had a kid, and he was a lovely little guy. Loved her, she was a professional carnie clown and taught me a lot of stuff, invigorated my love of miming. After a certain point, it all started to just feel so unstable and break apart.
I was close to finishing up my degree after getting back in. We were still doing our games, but they were further and further apart. He was close to graduating too. He was more pensive a lot of the time, but we'd still have a lot of fantastic banter. The talking went down online, I deleted my facebook because of the Cambridge Analytica data scandal and because I was unconfident about being out to every single person on the internet at the time. I was more radical, tired. He was more.. missing something. Really wanted to justify to himself that he wanted to become a detective and work with the police. I wasn't going to change his mind. He was living his own life, I was living mine. I loved him. I still do. But I'm not in contact with him and would likely have trouble to do so.
But there was one night. I was dressed super goth and slutty, as I tend to for the most part. I make no apologies. It was a fun bantery ride back home, and that week, we had an argument about the police and police brutality. I'm never going to forget it. But for you, I wouldn't go into the morbid details so explicitly. But we were pulled over, and I was assaulted by a police officer while they were doing a bullshit registration check on him. Trying to make small talk with them about wanting to join up. I was dead frozen as it had all played out. And when they were gone, the most unbearably maddening silence of my life. There was nothing I could say. There was nothing he could say. He dropped the idea of joining the police. He quit facebook too. The games eventually would stop, things were naturally drifting in that direction as a few other friends had moved away. And after my graduation, I eventually would take some time to plan to move away myself.
On my graduation, I felt a deep nothingness about what I had earned for myself and what future I had cultivated. The passion and fire I felt during college and with my friend group was starting to feel like a distant memory. Just a stupid paper at a school swept up in controversy. I'm trans, what game company will hire me, the world despises and wants to hurt people like me, the sorts of things I would be thinking on a regular basis. In the year I took to finally move away from family, I had completely burned out on art. I stopped making 3D art entirely, for that time pretty much. I was spent up on passion, but I knew I had some work to do to find that spark again. I wasn't giving up, but dormant. The dissolution of my D&D game group was a big part of all this. And.. the violence, the abuse. Everything.
Before I did leave, my friend asked to borrow my copy of Neverwinter Nights Diamond I got from Bookmans, of course I let him. He misplaced it, and he said he'd get me back a copy of the Enhanced Edition when it comes out. He never did, since we fell out of touch, but I like to think he would still want to today. I like to think he thinks about me in the same way I think about him. Just a deep sadness. But I'm proud I ever met him and played all of those games, spend all that time together, because he's a great guy. Even if I think he was wrong about sociological experiments, about the police, military, socialism. It doesn't matter to me, really. He was a light in my life when I really needed it, and I feel so ashamed that I sometimes wouldn't show it well enough. But I am now, where he probably will never see it. I'm sorry. I hope you're doing well.